Those Happy People...Uhg.

So there I am… walking into my husband’s family’s get-together and everyone is happy, laughing, passing babies around, hugging each other and there is nothing but LOVE all up in that place.

And then there’s me.

I immediately feel a sense of unworthiness and an overwhelming feeling of not being able to leave my BabyMomaDrama at home. Oh why does it follow me EVERYWHERE??? The pressure I put on myself before arriving there always brings out the negative feelings and doubts of “what I’m not.” I’m not in the mood for this; I’m not able to blow off my issues to act happy to be there. I’m not a mom. I don’t have anything in common with these people. My life is nothing like theirs. I’m stressed, tired, resentful, and I don’t want to be around happy people when I’m ….not happy. If that black cloud would just go away maybe…just maybe I could appear to be more “happy” to be there and mean it. Sometimes I sit there and wish that just once, just once I would like someone to acknowledge what I’ve given up; what I’ve sacrificed; what I deal with on a weekly basis and say “Wow, I don’t know how you do it. We are so lucky you are in SD and DH’s (my husband) life. Here, hold my baby.” Okay, so maybe I’m asking for the equivalent of a unicorn but I’ll explain the “Here, hold my baby” in just a moment.

I’m not fake. I’m definitely not an actress. So pushing that smile out and onto my face is like trying to force a crap while constipated. Oh…there it is! I did it. Now maybe no one knows this is killing me. Oh…but then someone walks right up and hugs me. Damn! These people hug a lot. Ready or not it’s show time. “Oh, hi! It’s so good to see you. I love your hair. Have you lost weight? Love that dresssss!” This is how southern people greet you and make small talk.

So anyway, like a player on Call of Duty, I immediately scour the perimeter for an empty seat. Found it! I sit down. I look around and see babies. Babies every-damn-where. Uhg! Why can’t I get excited about them? But hey wait a minute, why are their mothers not handing them to me? Do they think I don’t like babies? Or do they think I’m not interested? Oh no, what have I done? Quick…have I given anyone the impression I don’t like kids? Surely not… Oh wait. I don’t have any kids so maybe they think I don’t know what I’m doing if they hand me their babies... PARANOID? Um yes. Over the years of BM mocking me saying I “play house” when her daughter is with us, that I don’t know what I’m doing when I have helped SD with things or when I do her hair. BM even laughs at the clothes I buy her. She has made comments that I am not a parent so I don’t know what I’m doing. These things stuck in my head for so long. Do I believe those things? No. But I let it hurt my self-esteem somehow. And now it shows around my husband’s family. Or at least I think it does. Don’t get me wrong. I do love my husband’s family. They are precious people and I wouldn’t trade them for anything. I just have issues that I need to deal with and they have nothing to do with how those issues got there. I have to find a way to set aside the BabyMamaDrama and be a part of the family. And no one is going to let me hold their baby if I don’t “grow a set” and ask.