Control Freak

I reread my last post and the first thought that came to mind is damn, I sound like a whiney little b*tch. But, anyone who doesn’t know my whole story really won’t understand where all of that comes from. As time goes on, I will share what led me to such a paranoid state and whiney disposition. It’s actually quite mind blowing believe it or not. Most stepmoms who read it won’t be all that surprised. I think some of it will still be considered as pretty extreme and just might make you appreciate your situation a little bit. I’m not saying my situation was worse than anyone else’s but I bet I have some shock factor in there that will make you shake your head a few times.

I’m the kind of person who likes to be in control…of my money and my life. I like STABILITY. I don’t like surprises. I struggle with giving God the reigns to guide my life and find myself grabbing them and getting my hands slapped. Even He would tell you “She’s a stubborn one!” I need to do better with that and I work on it every day. I HAVE gotten better. When things are not stable, like money for instance, I am a worry wart. I worry about every damn thing. It’s like I can’t turn it off. I’ve prayed, meditated, exercised, drank myself into a bolivian… It’s a bad habit of mine…worrying I mean…not drinking. Well….

After our first year of marriage, we had talked about having a child. But we got sucker punched when BM made false allegations against my husband claiming abuse to their daughter. At that moment, my life spiraled out of control. All the lawyers, court sessions, social workers, doctors…I swear BM has a crystal ball and uses black magic to try to destroy us. I laugh when I say that because I can picture her sitting there on her “jobless & lazy-by-choice butt” hovering over a ball chomping on Cheetos and Little Debbie cakes chanting evil things. Okay, so Im’ exaggerating but really, she probably sits on the couch watching Lifetime and creates the drama to implement day after day.

Her lies were meant to hurt us, which they did, and separate us, which they did not. We struggled financially for years because of her horrible lies. We’ve had cars repo’ed, we’ve come home to no power, no gas to get to work, no money to get prescriptions and no food. All our money went to people who we had to pay because of the allegations. Nothing was stable, so of course I freaked out, loud and often. My anxiety and blood pressure levels have been to the extreme and I have been so low in a deep dark depression I honestly didn’t think I would come out of it. Although I will explain my entire story, I will not be doing so today. That is an area of myself I keep in a place deep inside me and it will take a lot of Jesus and Bourbon for me to rehash it all. Another day, perhaps...I’m out of Bourbon.