I Think I Can Do It Better

For so long I had questioned what my role is supposed to be as a stepmom. Do I care for the child? If so, how? What is acceptable? Where is the line drawn? Do I act as her sister, aunt, friend? Do I discipline her, bathe her, clothe her? Am I allowed to take her places without her dad? All I knew is that my money and insurance was good enough for her but apparently my assistance with doing her hair or buying her clothes were all too much.

No one teaches us these things...you know...stepmom survival skills. But I think I can do it better.

Here I grew up with a stepmom and I still wasn't clear on what to do. My relationship with my own stepmom growing up was nothing like it is between me and my stepdaughter. The circumstance are very different. I grew up resenting my stepmom...my mother made sure of it. Did she have reason? Sure. But, I wasn't given the chance to find out for myself what "I thought". I would soon find out what I thought later when I turned 16 years old, which is when I decided to live with my dad,... and his wife, her daughter, son and even Memaw. I wanted to get to know my dad and these people just came with the territory. Getting to know my stepmom was very surreal. And I was very disappointed in my discovery. Every year I lived there I continued to tell myself that my dad was worth it.

I learned to adapt. I was good at it. My stepmother kept to herself in her bedroom mostly. And when she was around me I got the silent treatment a lot. I never understood why. She isolated herself and it gave me the impression that I wasn't important enough to be around her unless she had to be, and if I did need to see her I was to come to her in her bedroom. And that's how it was. Before I'd leave to visit friends or go on a date I'd have to stop in her bedroom to tell her and my dad bye...and so they can approve of my clothes. And if she needed me she'd yell at the top of her lungs for me to come to her and she would keep yelling until I came running up the stairs to her bedroom. She wasn't nice to me unless she was in front of my father. Many times while my dad was working, my stepmom would take my stepsister shopping and leave me at the house to clean. I felt like a modern day Cinderella. I didn't like confrontation so I never told my dad or said anything to her. She'd only make it out to be my fault for not being with them, anyway. I was easily manipulated back then.

It wasn't until I moved out after college that she began to be respectful towards me. I forgave her for the hell and the lies and the disrespect. It was hard to do. I never understood why she was that way towards me but a friend made it clear to me that perhaps she was jealous of my relationship with my dad. Who knows. I never thought I gave her reason to feel that way but I've since learned a great deal about insecurities.

My stepdaughter has been around me since she was 2 years old. Like I said, our circumstances are very different. Initially I thought I was supposed to behave maternal towards her. She was so young and it just came naturally. But I was later confronted with lashings from her mother. She did not like me getting so close to SD. Apparently SD would refer to me as her mommy when talking to her mom. I know that was an accident, she's just a little kid. She called me mommy once and I corrected her immediately...and kindly. I doubt she received the same kindness when her mother corrected her judging by the phone call we received with SD crying in the background. So sad. It wasn't long after that that SD started referring to me as Cruella Deville and Ursela the Sea Witch while we watched those movies. I was the villan in each one. We kindly corrected her about that, but I'll be honest...it really hurt my heart.

Over the years, I started reading stepmom books. I needed some advice, badly. I finally discovered it was best that I only focus on what I have control over and that is being a good wife and.... being a good stepmom? There's that question again. How are you to be a good stepmom when no one seems to be clear on what that consists of? I believe it's different for each of us. Some of us are custodial stepparents, some are noncustodial like myself, some are blended and some are empty nesters. What I've learned is that we let the bio-parents be the parents. And as much as you (the stepmom) feel left out of the equation, snap out of it! This is how it is. Your role is to be YOU and to love your man...love his kids if you want to. You didn't marry his kids or his ex-wife. It took many years for me to figure this out and yet it seems so simple. That's because it's not easy to accept. If you're like me and you've invested so much of yourself into the equation it's hard to pull out. But for sanity's sake, do it. Just do it. I've found how I can make it work for me. I enjoy my time with my husband when Sd isn't there. I do what I want. I don't have children so it's easier for me to do this. But that my choice. And when SD is with us, I've learned how to prevent my resentment by making my husband parent her. He tells her when to get dressed, go to bed, eat, bathe, he dries her hair and puts it in a pony tail, he takes her dirty clothes and throws them in the washer. I used to do all this stuff and I had to stop. He is fully capable of doing these things for her. And if I want to give my 2 cents I do, but ultimately he is the one who oversees her. Like I've said before, it wasn't always like this. While we were going through the false allegations sh*t I was the one who did all of it. It burned me out to the point I was resentful of SD. I hated myself for feeling that way. I had to parent her while her mother ridiculed me for it, yet I had no choice but to continue. Nothing I did was good enough.

Today, I feel like I can say I'm a good stepmom. I encourage SD to do things with her dad without me having to tbe present all the time. I can care about SD but maintain my own life and do things for myself that I like. I'm a role model for SD, not her mother, sister, or aunt. I am better to SD in this capacity than in the confused/resentful/depressed state I was in. It's hard having a difficult bio-mom to deal with, but I've learned what her needs are. She needs to be the primary focus of her daughter and she needs to be "better" than me when it comes to her hair or her clothes. That's fine. I know where I stand with SD. I had to get to the point that I don't need validation of my value from that whole situation. My SD is content with our relationship. She looks at me as a stable figure in her life. She admires my career and she knows I keep her secrets and provide good advice. She tells me she misses me, wants me to see her cheer and wants me to go with her and her dad to do things together. She even comes to kiss me goodnight. It's nice to be wanted. And I like the person I am since I've let the bio-parents be the parents...even though I think I can do it better.

Mental Health and the Stepmom

When our lives got turned upside down by BM when she made her false allegations against DH there was a lot of anger, sadness, confusion, anxiety and uncertainty for several years as we were in and out of court. Mentally, I was a wreck. (Still am today at times but not like I used to be.)

How do you keep yourself mentally healthy?

Well most people suggest you should talk about what’s bothering you, like seeing a therapist for instance. Some suggest doing yoga, meditation, prayer, exercising, etc. All those things sound wonderful. Of course I resort to none of them. But I did choose to talk about it…to my friends.” My friends” who happen to not be stepmoms, of course. Great choice, Faith! Not. After awhile, my constant crying on their shoulders led me to find those friends were growing tired of it all. They were tired of it? I was sick and tired of it and I was right in the middle of the drama every day. But I was bringing them in with me and that wasn’t fair to them. These friends, although they loved me, they needed to be released from my shitty problems so they could enjoy their lives and not waller with me in mine. They didn’t marry a man with Satan as the ex-wife. I did. I didn’t want this situation to define who I was or how I’m perceived by others. I had to find another way to deal with this because there was no telling how long this case would go on…or how long my “friends” would tolerate it.

I figured out quickly that the only help I was going to get was from me and I had to figure this thing out on my own. I so desperately wanted to know where I fit in as a stepmom. I wasn’t a parent to anyone yet I’m married to a man who has a child with an ex-wife. What is expected of me? What is my role? Do I discipline? Do I feed her, bathe her? Clothe her? Teach her? Do I go to her functions? I felt lost and useless. I was the only person I knew at the time who was going through this confused state. As much as I talk about hating FB I have to say it helped save my life. I had been fortunate to connect with a large group of stepmoms on FB for support. For years I spoke freely in the group about all the troubles and negativity I had been dealing with caused by BM. I had a lot to say. I spoke of doubts and concerns and question about my role. For once, I felt I found people who really understood me and my feelings. And, there were women in there who were going through what I was going through. I found validation that I was normal, what I felt was normal and I wasn’t this terrible person I thought I was for the feelings I had. If you’re a stepmom you know what feelings I’m talking about.

As time went on and as problems occurred, I would express myself however I wanted without judgment. It was great. Instead of taking my anger and depression out on my husband, I was focusing it into the group and received virtual hugs and comforting words immediately. It was life changing. It was the support I needed to get through the day, through court, through life. But then after a year or so, my need to express all the negative “babymamadrama” wasn’t there like it was before. It was like one day I figured out that I’m always going to have something to bitch and moan about. The ex-wife was never going to stop so why should I waste so much energy on griping about it. She was getting what she wants and I decided not to waste my breath anymore about her antics. It was like I was repeating myself with the same crazy sh*t week after week. Who wants to read about that all the time? I know my “friends” were tired of hearing about it. I had convinced myself even the stepmom friends on facebook were probably tired of it too. I just knew I didn’t want to waste anymore energy on that woman. I needed to take a break and realign my mental state and see where I was and what I needed.

I started to back off from the group and go to a happy place for awhile…wherever that was. I realized the break I took from the group was best for me and my mental health since I had reached a level of contentment. Stepping back was good for a bit but I stayed away too long. Quitting a support group cold turkey probably wasn’t my best choice. Things quickly got out of control again. BM rattled chains by taking us back to court with more allegations. It made our finances so bad we didn’t have food to eat. The legal bills, gas, social workers, etc took precedence. My credit at that point was ruined. The humiliation, invasion of privacy and constant threats from BM were more than I could deal with. And my plan to have children was crushed. This was not the life I had planned for myself. I was mentally, emotionally and even physically worn down. I felt alone, invisible, and hopeless. I had hit rock bottom depression. I didn’t see any need to be here anymore. I had made up my mind. I’m done. I’m done with this marriage…I’m done living.

I logged into FB the day I had decided to end everything. To my surprise, I noticed I had a private message in my inbox. I wasn’t going to read it…but I did. It was from the leader of the Stepmom group. She reached out to me to say I was on her mind. This woman, the one who managed the group of hundreds if not thousands of women, took a couple minutes out of her day to reach out to me. Me? I was no one. Why did she reach out to me? That one little message changed everything that day. I sat there and cried my eyes out after reading that one sentence. I was valued by a complete stranger. The whole time those tears were falling I kept hearing this voice “I haven’t left you, I’m here. You’re important to me.” I swear it. From that point on, I haven’t looked back. I haven’t considered divorce and I haven’t considered ending my life. I have value and BM cannot take that away. No one can. And, I vowed never to let myself get to that mental state again.

So…….how do I keep myself mentally healthy? I exercise. I make time for me. I make my husband deal with his ex and not share every detail with me. I don’t talk about the “babymamadrama” to my friends. I focus on things I have control over like being a good wife to my husband, participating in community outreach, letting my husband be the parent, and making time with my friends having positive conversations and doing fun activities. I also constantly remind myself that I don’t have to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders….and that I’m valued even though I don’t have children.

Something else helps, too. I was connected with a friend who was starting her business of being a career coach and offered to help me as her first subject at no charge. I was grateful. She showed me that I needed to not focus on the negatives and start focusing on the positives. Positives? What positives? She asked me one question. What do YOU want? I just looked at her. I thought it was a trick question. I began to tell her “I want BM to stop her bull sh*t and stop using SD to hurt DH.” She said “No Faith, what do YOU want for YOU?”

Silence.

I was speechless. And then I cried. No one had ever asked me that before. I think I was more shocked that someone even cared to ask. I honestly didn’t know what to say. She hugged me and said I think I know what your first project is going to be. She had me create a Vision Board. I was to cut out pictures from magazines (or print some from the internet) and paste them to a poster board. These pictures represented the things and feelings I want for myself. And, how I feel when I see these pictures are the feelings I want to have when I attain these things. I kept that board at work and looked at each picture every day and basically meditated on it. You’d be surprised at how much of a difference that made. It put things into perspective and helped me rediscover the person I once was and am proud to be today. And it improved my relationship with my stepdaughter in many ways.

Thank you, Lisa. You changed my life forever.