When our lives got turned upside down by BM when she made her false allegations against DH there was a lot of anger, sadness, confusion, anxiety and uncertainty for several years as we were in and out of court. Mentally, I was a wreck. (Still am today at times but not like I used to be.)
How do you keep yourself mentally healthy?
Well most people suggest you should talk about what’s bothering you, like seeing a therapist for instance. Some suggest doing yoga, meditation, prayer, exercising, etc. All those things sound wonderful. Of course I resort to none of them. But I did choose to talk about it…to my friends.” My friends” who happen to not be stepmoms, of course. Great choice, Faith! Not. After awhile, my constant crying on their shoulders led me to find those friends were growing tired of it all. They were tired of it? I was sick and tired of it and I was right in the middle of the drama every day. But I was bringing them in with me and that wasn’t fair to them. These friends, although they loved me, they needed to be released from my shitty problems so they could enjoy their lives and not waller with me in mine. They didn’t marry a man with Satan as the ex-wife. I did. I didn’t want this situation to define who I was or how I’m perceived by others. I had to find another way to deal with this because there was no telling how long this case would go on…or how long my “friends” would tolerate it.
I figured out quickly that the only help I was going to get was from me and I had to figure this thing out on my own. I so desperately wanted to know where I fit in as a stepmom. I wasn’t a parent to anyone yet I’m married to a man who has a child with an ex-wife. What is expected of me? What is my role? Do I discipline? Do I feed her, bathe her? Clothe her? Teach her? Do I go to her functions? I felt lost and useless. I was the only person I knew at the time who was going through this confused state. As much as I talk about hating FB I have to say it helped save my life. I had been fortunate to connect with a large group of stepmoms on FB for support. For years I spoke freely in the group about all the troubles and negativity I had been dealing with caused by BM. I had a lot to say. I spoke of doubts and concerns and question about my role. For once, I felt I found people who really understood me and my feelings. And, there were women in there who were going through what I was going through. I found validation that I was normal, what I felt was normal and I wasn’t this terrible person I thought I was for the feelings I had. If you’re a stepmom you know what feelings I’m talking about.
As time went on and as problems occurred, I would express myself however I wanted without judgment. It was great. Instead of taking my anger and depression out on my husband, I was focusing it into the group and received virtual hugs and comforting words immediately. It was life changing. It was the support I needed to get through the day, through court, through life. But then after a year or so, my need to express all the negative “babymamadrama” wasn’t there like it was before. It was like one day I figured out that I’m always going to have something to bitch and moan about. The ex-wife was never going to stop so why should I waste so much energy on griping about it. She was getting what she wants and I decided not to waste my breath anymore about her antics. It was like I was repeating myself with the same crazy sh*t week after week. Who wants to read about that all the time? I know my “friends” were tired of hearing about it. I had convinced myself even the stepmom friends on facebook were probably tired of it too. I just knew I didn’t want to waste anymore energy on that woman. I needed to take a break and realign my mental state and see where I was and what I needed.
I started to back off from the group and go to a happy place for awhile…wherever that was. I realized the break I took from the group was best for me and my mental health since I had reached a level of contentment. Stepping back was good for a bit but I stayed away too long. Quitting a support group cold turkey probably wasn’t my best choice. Things quickly got out of control again. BM rattled chains by taking us back to court with more allegations. It made our finances so bad we didn’t have food to eat. The legal bills, gas, social workers, etc took precedence. My credit at that point was ruined. The humiliation, invasion of privacy and constant threats from BM were more than I could deal with. And my plan to have children was crushed. This was not the life I had planned for myself. I was mentally, emotionally and even physically worn down. I felt alone, invisible, and hopeless. I had hit rock bottom depression. I didn’t see any need to be here anymore. I had made up my mind. I’m done. I’m done with this marriage…I’m done living.
I logged into FB the day I had decided to end everything. To my surprise, I noticed I had a private message in my inbox. I wasn’t going to read it…but I did. It was from the leader of the Stepmom group. She reached out to me to say I was on her mind. This woman, the one who managed the group of hundreds if not thousands of women, took a couple minutes out of her day to reach out to me. Me? I was no one. Why did she reach out to me? That one little message changed everything that day. I sat there and cried my eyes out after reading that one sentence. I was valued by a complete stranger. The whole time those tears were falling I kept hearing this voice “I haven’t left you, I’m here. You’re important to me.” I swear it. From that point on, I haven’t looked back. I haven’t considered divorce and I haven’t considered ending my life. I have value and BM cannot take that away. No one can. And, I vowed never to let myself get to that mental state again.
So…….how do I keep myself mentally healthy? I exercise. I make time for me. I make my husband deal with his ex and not share every detail with me. I don’t talk about the “babymamadrama” to my friends. I focus on things I have control over like being a good wife to my husband, participating in community outreach, letting my husband be the parent, and making time with my friends having positive conversations and doing fun activities. I also constantly remind myself that I don’t have to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders….and that I’m valued even though I don’t have children.
Something else helps, too. I was connected with a friend who was starting her business of being a career coach and offered to help me as her first subject at no charge. I was grateful. She showed me that I needed to not focus on the negatives and start focusing on the positives. Positives? What positives? She asked me one question. What do YOU want? I just looked at her. I thought it was a trick question. I began to tell her “I want BM to stop her bull sh*t and stop using SD to hurt DH.” She said “No Faith, what do YOU want for YOU?”
Silence.
I was speechless. And then I cried. No one had ever asked me that before. I think I was more shocked that someone even cared to ask. I honestly didn’t know what to say. She hugged me and said I think I know what your first project is going to be. She had me create a Vision Board. I was to cut out pictures from magazines (or print some from the internet) and paste them to a poster board. These pictures represented the things and feelings I want for myself. And, how I feel when I see these pictures are the feelings I want to have when I attain these things. I kept that board at work and looked at each picture every day and basically meditated on it. You’d be surprised at how much of a difference that made. It put things into perspective and helped me rediscover the person I once was and am proud to be today. And it improved my relationship with my stepdaughter in many ways.
Thank you, Lisa. You changed my life forever.
No comments:
Post a Comment